Have You Heard The News That Your Dead?

4:45PM - Fucked Up Poetry

Poem number 1....
i wish this could happen...
i really do...
am i kidding myself?

Let me steal you from the one you "love"
In hopes that as time passes you'll love me.
So deeply does your smile my heart move
That merely touching you is ecstasy.
Normally, such crimes are not my style,
Nor would I infidelity propose;
But I love you so much I can't revile
Anything that some slight hope bestows.
Let me show you how I'll care for you,
How good it feels to have me at your side,
let me be the one who calls you baby all the time
surely you can take some comfort knowing that your mine?


Here is another poem...
it is pretty repetative...
but it is the only way i can cope with the stress i am experiancing at the moment...
man....
if only i could have him back...


This is the first time I have ever loved;
Yours, the first face I can not forget.
I think you are afraid, perhaps, and moved
To wonder whether you should do this yet.
I also am afraid, and yet I know
That wonder is a thing that needs a yes;
Should you step back and let this moment go,
Both you and I will have to live with less.
Please trust my love, as I must trust in yours.
It's strong as steel, as delicate as lace,
Immovable as battered granite shores:
I feel its power and unremitting grace.
So come, my love, and try this love with me?
Let your love speak, and then you will agree.

Current mood: blank

Current music: Love In Cold Blood - HIM

10:37AM

i feel like absolute shit!
it has been 3 weeks today since we broke up...
and now moddy is having problems with sunny...
and i wanna help...
i really do...
but at the same time i hope they break-up...
but then again...
i want him to be happy... 
i am so fucking confused....
he just told me that he has only seen her twice this month...
great relationship aye...
i would see him every fucking day if i had the option! 
i still love that man to death....
and i think i always will...
but it hurts so much that she gets him when she doesnt appreciate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and he said that he is going to see her tonight...
implying that they are going to have sex....
why tell me shit like that....
why?
but...
why do i want him back?
maybe it is because i have gone severly down hill since we broke up...
i feel like i cant be happy unless i am with him...
why did he cast such a powerful spell on me?
i dont know what to do anymore.....
help?

Current mood: depressed

Current music: Bitter For Sweet - Blaqk Audio

6:32PM - why does my heart lead me places there is no happy ending?

 It has been 2 weeks and 5 day since me and moddy broke up...
i think i am over it...
but it still hurts...
i still feel empty...
and i think what hurts the most is that he left me to be with sunny...
and they dont even talk/sms/see each other! 
i made the effort to go see him because i loved seeing him! 
and texting him! i used to look at my phone in class every 2 seconds...
these days i still do... but i am always disappointed because i never have any new messages....
it is rather shitty to be honest... 
because i love him and i dont see how what they have going is a relationship! 
but aslong as he is happy....
thats all that matters because i am slowly getting over the fact that we arent going to be able to get back together....
but i want to sooooo fucking much.......
everytime i see a picture of him i bawl my eyes out! 
and i feel like such a dickhead but he means so much to me...
and i feel like i want him more than sunny does...
but there must be something wrong with me if he wants her...
what is it about her?
what is so great?
what does she have that i dont?
what do i need to change so my heart can stop being broken?
i am always the friend...
and it gets rather old....
i want to be the friend AND the partner! 


well i wrote this poem to try and convince myself i am over moddy...
worked rather well actually...
it is just going to take a little while to sink in...

[[♥this is a poem to express my feeling since we broke up... it starts of with confusion then it goes to 
missing you then realising we are probably better off as friends to thanking you for everything♥]]

Do you think about me when
You lay and rest your head?
Do you wish that I was there
Beside you in your bed?

Do you remember the time when
We stayed in bed all day?
I closed my eyes and held you tight
And wish that you could stay

Little did I know that in
Only five weeks time
I would be alone once more
No longer you are mine

Every time I heard your voice
I got butterflies inside
Now that I don’t have you here
Part of me has died

Even though you hurt me so
I wouldn’t change a thing
That month meant so much to me
It seemed like everything

Oh how wrong I really was
It was her that had your heart
It seemed that I was holding
Only such a little part

Since last nights events
Something occurred to me
I found some scissors, cut the cord
Now finally I’m free

I’m moving on from the obsession
I am no longer addicted to
I will ultimately feel better for it
The unhealthy obsession was you

I have come to realize that
There isn’t a chance again
If I cant have you to myself
I will share you as a friend

Now that you have read this
I hope that you can see
Just infact how much
You actually mean to me.

You have changed my life
In so many ways
And ill continue to thank you
For it everyday

Goodbye Patrick the partner
And hello Patrick the friend
Ill love you always
Right until the end


Love Madame Hallowell 

well i didnt think that was attacking him...
i asked him to read it and he hasnt yet...
i wanna know what he thought....
i am talking to him now...
well i just said hello and he hasnt replied yet...
but last night he was busy so he never read it....
i have noticed that ever since we broke up he doesnt really talk to me...
which annoys me...
because it makes me feel like i am being shut out...
but i know he doesnt have to talk to me now that we arent going out...
but if i am going to go to mitch's party i am going to have to get comfortable....
about the break up and stuff...
i dont know where i stand anymore! 
AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 


loooooooooooooooove [[keely♥Kerosene]]
 

Current mood: depressed

Current music: Goodbye My Love - James Blunt

7:38PM - <3 him

so....
here is something new for me....
i am going to write a happy LJ entry...
because moddy thinks i am not happy all the time....
he has no idea how happy i am when i am talking to him or with him....
i wonder if it is the same for him? 

today...
was alright....
i had my PDH exam and i wrote alot...
i could have used a extra 30-60min just to get all the information i wanted in...
i really hope i do as good as i did in the half yearly's....
and i if i dont stay top of the class dad will kill me....
O.o

after exams...
kerrie took us for a drive and it was fun....
kerrie annoys me some what....
but we listened to awesome music....
it was zoke and willy-m's 7 month anniversary today!!!! 
which means i have known zoke about 6 and a half months!!!!

oh well i g2g
<3 him 

 

Current mood: giggly

Current music: Midlife Crisis - Faith No More

8:37PM - Sucker For Heartache!!

ok... so today i was with moddy.. having a ball... until.... i was leaving him flirty messages on his phone and me not knowing how to use the stupid thing somehow got into inbox... the last message he recieved was from "sunny" his meant to be ex girlfriend... it said "gewdnight my love <3"... instantly i had to go outside because i just started crying... he had given me the impression that they had broken up... apparently not... i felt so upset!!! 

people say to me... "you can do better" but i dont want better i want him and i want him all to myself... is that to much to ask?! 
people ask "why do you stay with him? why do you keep giving him second chances?" because i am a sucker for heartache and everytime i see him i get this funny feeling and i dont want to let him go... yet every time i have seen him so far she has ruined it in some way for me!?

i wish he knew what he wanted because honestly this is fucking killing me... i am going nuts... i cant study or do anything all i can think about is wishing he knew what he wanted if he wants her he can just tell me... he has told me he wants me... and god i want him... but everytime i see him i end up getting upset over something to do with sunny... i am not letting go of him that easy....

i am so over being hurt... there must be something wrong with me for people to keep wanting to do this to me... i must find out what that is and change it because i dont know how much more my heart can take....

Current mood: numb

Current music: Find A Way - The Used

6:33PM - Why? isnt she ment to be my bestie?

Why?!
Why would kelly do that?!
Why would she send a chat log between byron and i to bryce?! 
Why doesnt she understand that this time i actually couldnt go see him...it WASNT because i dont want to!!! 

Now why do i get the feeling that byron is pissed off at me? 
oh thats because he probably is pissed off at me!! 
good going keely you fucked up something else good you had going!!! 

4:30PM - Byron....

well i tried to talk to mum about going into town to see byron, will and zoe...but she still said no!! and she hasnt given me a reason....i messaged byron last night and told him that i could come in and he didnt message back (i dont think i have any credit which is a bummer!) ill just have to hope he gets on msn tonight so i can talk to him...i actually miss not talking to him....which is more than i can say for mitch....i used to block him most the time...lol...ok that is mean but i know....

Speaking of byron he hasnt been on all day....part of me is thinking he is annoyed about monday and doesnt want to talk to me and the other part is saying he is probably doing something....i am being so paranoid....we arent even going out....i guess it is just because i like him lots.... 

i didnt go to my driving lesson this morning....because....well i just couldnt be bother to be totally honest with you....

well i am going to go........
i might be back on later if anything good happens........
but i doubt anything will........

MUCH LOVE!!

Current mood: worried

Current music: Dead! - My Chemical Romance

3:12PM - bored!

i am feeling sick now...
i have been lying in bed since about 6:00 yesterday afternoon...
waiting for kelly to get home from work so i can talk to her...
shit i havent written that comment yet....
oh well i can really be fucked atm....
i really just want to scream....i have so much bottled up anger, frustration, stress and depression. 

Also i cant figure out how to make my journal look like zoe's :( ill have to ask zoe how to do it... I FUCKING HEART ZOE!! she is a legend!! *hugs* 

i have a headache and i am still listening to music....i dont know why...but oh well...i am going to go...ill probably be back on later to inform you about my pointless life

Current mood: blank

Current music: Paper Airplanes - AFI

1:06PM - why?

why do i do this to myself?
why do i put myself through hell just to make other people happy? 
the answer to both these questions is i dont know.
i dont know why i care what my ex-boyfriend thinks and i dont know why i always ruin things before they start!! 
it is so frustration i am always analysing a situation and thinking about every possible out come before it comes up...i am adding extra stress to which i DONT need right now...i have been in bed all day thinking about why i let this get to me and why i feel this way....but i cannot find the answers to these questions no matter how hard i look for them...i am worried about monday...what is he going to think of me...is he going to like me or completly change his mind...SEE WHAT I MEAN!!! it is saturday and i am already worrying about monday and every possible outcome i dont know why i am doing this...

i started this journal because kelly is at work and zoe isnt online so i have no one to vent to...they are probably sick of me complaining but i cant help it i need to get it out somehow this is why i started this journal...so i dont have to burden anyone with my annoying stories and my complaining....i wish i didnt feel like this....when it happened the first time my mum said "it is all in your head....you are doing this to yourself...only you can stop it" I DONT KNOW HOW TO!!! it is so frustrating not to know what to do and suddenly all the frustration bottled up inside me gets to much and i just bawl my eyes out and then start feeling depressed... it should go away....in a few weeks...but is he going to put up with it for that long? i hope so....i wish the person that did this to me would die!! it is ruining my life and i cant let go of it even though it happened a while ago...i know she keeps in touch with him i have seen the messages...and i wish i could tell her how i feel about it!! it makes me feel like she cares for him more than me!! look what he has done to me and she is still talking to him...he has RUINED my life...is this going to happen everytime someone new walks into my life...i feel like i cant get close to him because of these feelings....BECAUSE OF THAT BASTARD!! AND SHE DOESNT CARE!! for heavens sake i have her tattooed on my back and she is getting me on hers yet she still talks to the bastard that did this to me....like it never happened....i blame him for everything....!!!

finally i have answered the questions:

why do i do this to myself? Because even though "i am the only one that can fix" it and it is all in MY head she is constantly reminding me of HIM!! and by being reminded of him i think about what happened THAT is why i cant let go THAT is why i feel like this that is why i ruin good things before they even start!! I HATE HIM AND I WISH I NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM AND I WISH HE WAS DEAD!!! and i mean that 100%!!